“I want to help, but my headlines are tied.” - Trial and Eureka

“I want to help, but my headlines are tied.”

By Alp | Email Marketing

​An entrepreneur, a sales page and an email go to court.

Buzz the Business Owner is suing Sally the Sales Page and Eddie the Email for marketing malpractice.

“Your Honour, these two defrauded me,” Eddie says to the judge. “They promised me riches. They promised me fame. They promised me glory - if only I would invest with them.”

He looks at his feet, suddenly embarrassed. Then, without quite meeting the judge’s eyes, he says:

“So I went into the Time Bank and withdrew my life’s savings. Every spare hour I had, I invested with them. And for what? I want my time back!”

The judge turns to Sally and asks:

“Ms Sales Page, how plead you?”

“It ain’t my fault, Your Honour,” Sally drawls. “I never even got to practice my southern charm and wicked wiles on Buzz’s customers.”

Her face turns sour.  

“This skank here,” she says, pointing to Eddie the Email, “failed to send anyone over. From this big, bustling bazaar of a list only 17 people come to see Sally - what is a sales page to do with that?”

The judge turns a raised eyebrow to Mr Email.

“Your Honour!” Eddie exclaims. He has an Italian Brooklyn accent. (Not the fake stuff though. Eddie is the real deal.) “I wanted to help, I really did. But there was absolutely nuttin’ I could do. My headlines were tied.”

He points at Buzz.

“It’s his fault! How can I send them over the sales page, if they never read the email? And how will anyone read an email they never open?”

Eddie slams the desk, “Fawget aboutit.”

His hands do the rest of the talking: “Buzz gives me these headlines and subject lines and bullets. I swear, Your Honour, they were as borin’ as the funeral of that one relative you never knew.”


The joke doesn’t have a punch line.

Because after listening to both sides of the case, the judge calls a cab, heads over to the airport, and takes a ten year sabbatical from the law.

So we never get to hear the verdict.

Anyway, my point here is this:

When you email your list, you are not writing to two retired guys with nothing to do and all day to do it.

You are emailing busy subscribers who are already getting at least 10 emails from your competitors.

If you don’t stand out in their inbox, your email just won’t get read.

And you know what?

Nobody can buy from an email they never read.

Using my ways forces your brain to come up with email ideas that busy people make time to read.

And send them off with subject lines that grab them by the eyeballs.

(Something Module 2 goes deep into, btw.)

To learn how my ways work, take an Uber downtown and checkout: