Super Mario, patron saint of clogged email funnels - Trial and Eureka

Super Mario, patron saint of clogged email funnels

By Alp | Email Marketing

You might get a kick out of this.

By popular demand, I’m sharing an embarrassing story:

I had such high hopes for today.

Woke up early (even though it’s a public holiday here in Istanbul).

It was going to be a “strategy day”. I would map out all my projects for the month, establish budgets, schedule them into my calendar.

And if all went well, maybe - just maybe - I might even reach inbox zero by the evening. Ye 317 unanswered emails sitting in my inbox - tremble! For I am coming.

I could feel it in my bones:

My day would start with gusto, and panache, and the kind of uber productivity that would put even Tim Ferriss to shame.


It started with a clogged toilet.

First, I tried to flush the problem away. Didn’t work.

Water levels in the bowl began to rise.

Next, I grabbed the plunger and followed the wikihow article to the letter. Didn’t work.

Water levels continued to rise.

And so did my panic levels:

It was a public holiday. The building management was away. Every single handyman in my phone book was visiting family on the other side of the country.

There were no plumbers in shiny armour coming to the rescue.

I was on my own.

So, I methodically experimented with every chemical known to man (and made accessible to me by Google) that could unclog a toilet.

It was like a “Short History of Chemistry” documentary, starting with salt-vinegar-baking soda (Ancient Greece), through Domestos toilet cleaning systems (industrial era), and culminating in Frosch Organic Drain Opener (millennials).

None of them worked.

Water levels continued to rise each time I flushed.

By the time we (and by “we”, I mean “me”) got to 2017 AD, we had reached the tipping point.


The brown sludge was level with the ceramic rim.

It would accept no further meddling without dire consequences.

And by “dire consequences” I mean: flooding. By brown sludge.

Had my flat had escaped flooding from the storm of the century on Tuesday, only to be flooded by… this?

I was desperate, so I got on my knees, and lit a candle:

Oh, Super Mario, Patron Saint of Rising Shyte Levels, hear my plea!

As the candle went out, inspiration struck:

The people in this part of the world are an entrepreneurial bunch. They would never leave money on the table. Even though it’s a public holiday, surely there must be an emergency plumber in a city of 14.8 million.

Do not fail me, Google.

Fortunately, there was.

The equivalent of the out-of-hours pharmacy in the plumbing world.

They even had a reputable website, so I felt good about hiring them.

Even though they charged more than two nights’ stay at the Four Seasons.

Within thirty minutes the Emergency Plumbers came to the rescue, and brought with them this machine which was created for the sole purpose of unplugging toilets at the tipping point without flooding the bathroom.

It was of German design.

(Of course. Who else would have the practicality to apply their minds to the issue and the mechanical prowess to actually pull it off?)

10 minutes and many, many $$ later…

The scourge of brown sludge was banished back to the sewers. The day was saved.

O Come All Ye Faithful

Joyful and triumphant

Sing in exultation

Praised be Super Mario, indeed.

Wait… but how does any of this relate to online business?


When faced with a business emergency, hire an expert. Don’t try to DIY it through free content (or even paid courses).

Even if you think “There can’t possibly be someone out there who can help with this” (like I did because of the public holiday)...

… chances are, there probably IS someone specialising in exactly that problem.

Yes, they’ll be expensive - especially if they’re any good.

But it’s still “free” compared to the consequences of getting your online house flooded by shyte (so to say).

Take home lesson for the day:

If shyte levels have reached the tipping point, it’s always cheaper to hire that expensive expert than DIY-ing yourself.

But how do you know when it’s time to hire the professionals? How do you know if you’ve reached the tipping point?

Here are some of the (many) symptoms of critical shyte levels in your email marketing:

  1. It has been more than 3 weeks since you last emailed your list.
  2. You waste more than 1 hour on each email, but they don’t actually bring in enough sales to “pay back” your investment.
  3. Ad spends are getting out of hand. Your email funnel doesn’t convert, so you can’t recoup your advertising costs.
  4. Your unsubscribe percentage is NOT rising as your list grows. (No, this is NOT a good sign. In fact, it’s a lethal omen.)
  5. You haven’t made at least 1 sale, within 15 days of their opting in, from the last 100 subscribers who joined your list. (1 in 50 is bad. 1 in 100 subscribers is calamitous.)

Note that I said “critical” shyte levels. If you see even ONE of these symptoms, then you are at the proverbial tipping point.

You “need” intervention. It’s no longer a “nice-to-have”.

If you suspect your email marketing is clogged, and you need emergency attention before the mistakes flood your business, then here is where to go next:

Hurry though...

Cohorts 1 and 2 are sold out. There are only 2 spaces left in Cohort 3.

And after that I’m retiring the inner circle. No more hands-on mentoring from me. This is going to become a DIY course.

So if you’re at the tipping point, nab your spot today while you still can.