One of my subscribers beat me at my own game…
So I’m currently licking my wounds and plotting my comeback.
In the meantime, I shall uphold my promise as a Supervillain must, above all else, be a man of his word.
(It’s hard to retain your minions if they don’t believe you’ll honour your end of the bargain.)
Anymoo, I promised on Tuesday that I would feature you to my list if you send me a story from your country that beats mine in absurdity.
Here is the winner, courtesy of She Who Shall Not Be Named For She Asked to Remain Anonymous:
(My favourite part is about the cow “inhaling and exhaling oxygen”)
“Dearest misguided Alp,
I see your goats, and I raise you, cows. Our indigenous Indian cows.
My entire life has been devoted to pondering life's many mysteries. And sooner rather than later, I stumble upon the answers.
One of which was pondering how can rulers turn against their own people. And typically, why all these rulers are so stringently opposed to education.
I got it when our present government came to power. A bunch of illiterate hooligans who survive by spinning one tale after another, as a desperate means of distracting the people from the bigger problems that seem to be worsening everyday.
So, as you perhaps know that Hindus worship cows. Devout Hindus, consequently, don't eat beef. Cow slaughter has been banned in many places recently. But paradoxically, India is also the world's largest exporter of beef. And the beef export revenues have been on the rise since the cow-loving, cow-worshipping group came to power.
To ensure less domestic consumption of beef, and greater exports, the cow has suddenly become the most magical creature to ever walk the earth. Now, cow is our holy mother. Cow is supposed to be the only animal that both inhales and exhales oxygen. Consumption of cow urine is considered the shortest route to perfect health - it cures cancer even. Cow urine is sold online through government stores and portals so that people without access to live cows in their house can also partake of its benefits. Oh and cow dung protects you from the harmful effects of radiation. So, in the case of a nuclear attack, simply smear yourself with cow dung, and you are indestructible. Everyday people are killed on the suspicion that they may be consuming beef. Even dairy farmers and herders are being killed on the pretext of saving cows.
And this is just one story out of hundreds that are coming out of India daily. History and science are being re-written every single day here, with textbooks being modified to reflect the changes.
So, I think I have ably demonstrated that my story beats your story's ass. Turkey's goats ain't no divine, magical creatures. You can publish this email once I become a celebrated author. You're welcome.
Most amoosing, indeed!
Now, I don’t know anything about sacred cows, but I do know a thing or moo about building cash cows into your business.
(Note to self: Manure making some awful puns today.)
Let’s see what the Holy Cow can teach us about online business:
Bull-asphemy #1: Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free?
Translation: Don’t give away the farm in your opt-in offer. It should create buying hunger by giving your prospect a quick win, not obviate the need for your product.
Bull-asphemy #2: Don’t talk till the cows come home.
Translation: Don’t stretch your opt-in autoresponders (the automated emails a subscriber gets when they download your opt-in offer) for an indefinitely long time. Send 1-3 emails (5 max), and then start selling.
Those subscribers are as warm as they’re ever going to get. So if they don’t buy now, they probably won’t buy later.
Bull-asphemy #3: Don’t cow-moo-flage your opt-in offer.
Translation: Your opt-in offer should (generally) be the most readily noticeable element on your homepage. And if you’re advertising that opt-in offer anywhere (eg: FB ads or guest posts), you should always drive the traffic to a dedicated landing page (not to your home page).
Bull-asphemy #4: Don’t be a COWard. Grab the bull by its horns and build a list of buyers from the get-go.
Translation: You can’t take email addresses to a bank. List-building is just a means to an end. Ultimately, what you want are buyers.
DON’T just write a bunch of random articles, hide until your list gets to 1,000 subscribers, and then try to figure out what to sell to them.
DO build an opt-in offer that brings in serious buyers and makes it easier to sell your paid offer. And then actually start selling.
FYI, an opt-in offer that gets you a bunch of subscribers but no buyers is a terribull one.
Bull-asphemy #5: First impressions are fragile. Don’t be a bull in a china shop.
Translation: Don’t make your opt-in offer a glorified sales pitch that doesn’t actually help your prospect. You’ll shatter their respect for you.
Yes, you want to create hunger for your product, but you also need to establish credibility. You do that by solving one isolatable issue that gives them a sense of momentum.
Now the ball is in your field (unrelated but cute video of cows playing ball), buddy.
Calf-measures like these Bull-asphemous Bull-ets aren’t going to knocowt your list-building problems.
Here is what you should do instead:
Go put your opt-in idea through these litmus tests (goes to blog post).
Why you need this:
In short, if your idea passes ALL of the litmus tests with an affirmative “YES”, then you have a winner. If it doesn’t, you get the chance to refine or ditch your idea completely.
If your opt-in idea doesn’t pass muster, then invest in FAST50 (http://fast50optins.com/) so you can create one that will.